


burn out the sun / remove my eyes

by imoralgod



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Angst, Dead Noah Czerny, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, these tags suck lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25006720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imoralgod/pseuds/imoralgod
Summary: Noah Czerny is dead, Gansey is doubting his life, and secrets are spilled because Adam is incredibly good at noticing when people are hurting...."Ronan Lynch was not the only boy in Monmouth Manufacturing who had thought about death a little too closely. They all had, really, especially after it came to light that Noah, a boy previously thought to be alive, had been murdered seven years ago by his best friend, who also happened to be the living boys’ Latin teacher.Richard Gansey was also thinking about death and pain and blood. It had been with him since he had also died, seven years ago."
Relationships: Adam Parrish/Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Kudos: 28





	burn out the sun / remove my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from the song Unconditional by Killstation. 
> 
> hope y'all enjoy this :)))

Ronan Lynch was not the only boy in Monmouth Manufacturing who had thought about death a little too closely. They all had, really, especially after it came to light that Noah, a boy previously thought to be alive, had been murdered seven years ago by his best friend, who also happened to be the living boys’ Latin teacher. 

Richard Gansey was also thinking about death and pain and blood. It had been with him since he had also died, seven years ago. 

He had decided that Noah’s death and his own couldn’t have been a coincidence. Why had he lived when Noah had died? Noah probably had so much more to live for-

“Don’t believe that, Gansey,” Noah whispered, “Don’t give into your mind.”

“I know,” Gansey whispered back, turning to where Noah should have been. It appeared that since his death, he had given up on trying to be human. 

Of course Gansey knew he shouldn’t give into his mind, into his terrible self-ruining thoughts, but he already had; and there were three clean scars on his leg to prove it. 

He understood why it worked, that the brain created some chemical that mimicked morphine, made him feel better. He also understood that it wasn’t a Gansey thing to do, and so he would stop before he had to change in front of someone else, lest they see him as something other than put-together and perfect. 

The Gansey’s didn’t self harm to feel better, they didn’t think about dying somewhere outside of D.C. whenever things got hard, they didn’t have feelings for their best friends girlfriend, they didn’t pay people off to get what they wanted. The Gansey’s had straight white teeth, worked through things when they were tough, solved problems that other people created, and ignored their children in favor of campaign trails. 

The first person to see the scars was Adam. It didn’t surprise Gansey that it was him; Adam had grown accustomed to looking without being seen. 

”Gansey,” Adam said, walking over to Gansey as he stuffed thrifted gym clothes into his backpack, “Can we talk?” 

“Sure,” Gansey replied, putting on the mask he reserved for his family. He was expecting the worst. Adam and Blue had just broken up, and from how they both acted, it had been ugly. He still felt guilty; he felt as if he had drawn Blue away from Adam, who deserved love and care. Adam Parrish hadn’t received nearly as much love as he should have been given. 

They walked together until they found a private area beneath a large tree, and Gansey had to calm his nerves. 

“Look, Gansey,” Adam began, southern drawl softening whatever blow he was dealing, “I know you and Lynch don’t talk about feelings for some reason, but are you okay?” 

Gansey was taken aback, was Adam asking him if he was okay? It seemed out of place.

“I don’t know why I wouldn’t be,” Gansey said, looking Adam in his eyes, “How are you dealing with the Noah thing?”

The Noah thing was simply that he was dead. Gansey could almost say the same about himself. 

“Don’t change the topic, Gansey,” Adam sighed, “Look, I don’t mean this to be weird, but I saw the scars. I’ve seen them on Lynch.” 

Gansey looked away, he wasn’t mentally ready for that conversation. He’d rather Adam come to him with anger about losing Blue, than with pity about a stupid mistake he’d made.

“It’s alright, Parrish,” Gansey assured, “I’m fine.”

“Listen, I’m not working later tonight, how about you pick me up from Boyd’s, and we can actually talk about this.” Straightforward, practical, direct. 

Gansey didn’t understand why Adam was so understanding and open. They never had heart to heart conversations, especially not after a fight. 

“Fine,” Gansey agreed, “What time do you get off?”

“8.” 

At eight that night, Gansey was waiting in the Pig outside Boyd’s Auto Shop. Under usual circumstances, he would have brought Ronan, but he didn’t know about the scars. He was worried that Roman would relapse, under the weight of Gansey’s problems and his newfound grief for Noah, who was stopping by less and less as time went on.

The building’s lights went off, and out came Adam, wearing his coveralls and his backpack. He climbed into the Pig and the scent of gasoline became overwhelming. 

“I didn’t want you to wait,” Adam said shyly, “Sorry about the smell.”

Adam was a god among men. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Gansey said, “Probably better than the exhaust, right?”

Adam shot him a pointed look that showed his expertise in cars, and Gansey’s lack of it.

“Lynch,” Parrish began, “Does he know?”

Gansey began to fret. He didn’t want his moment of weakness to become another secret he had to keep from his closest friends. He shook his head.

****

On the other side of town, as Gansey and Adam were driving to Monmouth, Ronan was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. The EDM pounding through his headphones was hurting his head. He only kind of felt like his life was falling apart. 

Noah was dead. Noah wasn’t alive. Noah hadn’t been alive since they had known each other. 

In hindsight, it made sense. He only wore his uniform, he wasn’t in any of their classes, he didn’t have a phone, didn’t have things. 

Ronan should have noticed sooner. 

He was worried about Gansey decaying, too. Gansey hadn’t been himself since they found out about Noah, and Ronan could tell it wasn’t just about grief. 

There were some things that Ronan couldn’t tell anyone, and that included Gansey’s death. Prior to Adam and Noah, they had been closer than they were now, thick as thieves. Gansey had been drinking when he first explained the myth of Glendower, and once Ronan made fun of him, he let it spill out. Since then, Ronan could tell when he was thinking about it; Richard Cambell Gansey III would fade out, and Gansey would become his scared self, free of any expectations. He’d stare into the void, or at a wasp, or at the mint leaf in his hand, and Ronan would be forced to snap him out of it. 

He’d been doing that a lot more recently, almost every day. 

Ronan was thinking about that phenomenon when he smelled the scent of gasoline filling the apartment. It was either Adam Parrish or someone trying to kill him. He took his headphones off. 

“Ronan,” He heard Gansey call, “Are you here?”

Ronan poked his head through the open doorway of his bedroom, and he saw both Gansey and Adam looking disheveled. Noah stood next to them, pale as ever. 

“Why the long faces?” He asked with a smile. If he wasn’t allowed to grieve, then he would be venomous. 

“Lynch,” Adam said, worrisome as ever. His blue coveralls were stained with oil, and as Ronan noticed, so were his hands, “Gansey has something he needs to tell us.” 

Gansey looked the oddest out of the three of them, which was a feat, considering one was dead, and another always looked a little out of place. 

“Listen,” Gansey began, “Before I tell you anything, you need to know that I’m safe and okay, alright?”

Ronan stared at the three boys in front of him. 

“Okay.”

“I self harmed,” Gansey admitted, clearly uncomfortable with the truth, “I did it a few weeks ago, and I haven’t done it since.”

“Well, fuck, Gansey,” Ronan swore, “It’s because of Noah isn’t it? Because-because of the fucking bees.”

“Probably,” Gansey said, unfazed by Ronan’s outburst. He looked to Adam, who nodded, and then a different anger barreled through Ronan’s chest. 

“How does Parrish know?” 

“I saw the scars,” Adam said, defiant, ready to defend Gansey. Ronan thought that defending him was foolish when Adam didn’t know the full story. 

“Oh come on Gansey,” Ronan hissed, “Does he even know what happened at that party?” 

“He doesn’t. So drop it,” Gansey said, his voice turning into one for the battlefield. 

Adam didn’t push it, which was expected. Adam knew not to apply pressure.

Ronan and Adam had been getting closer in the past year. Ronan knew how much of a bastard Robert Parrish really was, and Adam knew that Ronan had found his father’s dead body.

“I want to see the scars,” Ronan demanded, crossing his arms. “You saw mine, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Ronan, which is why I didn’t tell you in the first place,” Gansey explained, though he pushed up his cargo shorts and his boxers. Ronan stepped closer and again, Adam’s scent was choking him. It was almost unbearable in the best way possible. 

“Fuck, Gansey,” Ronan said, as he craned his neck to look at his friends leg. The scars were thin and pink. Ronan thanked God that he hadn’t gone deep. “Motherfucker.”

When he returned to his full height, Ronan looked at Gansey. He seemed as solid as ever, someone who could never die.

“Adam,” Gansey began, “I think it’s time to tell you something.” 

****

Adam stood against Gansey’s new and amazingly spoiled pool table. It smelled like packing tape and mint. 

Gansey and Ronan faced him, an unbreakable unit of first class power, a mix of old and new money. Adam eyed Ronan’s leather bands, the ones he’d been staring at for a year.

“So you died,” Adam said, letting his mouth work out what his mind couldn’t, “But you aren’t dead?”

“Glendower brought me back,” Gansey said, before his mood changed to something more somber, “Noah died and I lived.”

Adam watched as Ronan brought a hand to Gansey’s neck. It was a common action between the pair, initiated when one was doubtful. 

“Did your parents-“ Adam caught himself off guard. When did he think of that? “Did your parents know?”

“They found me experiencing a severe allergic reaction, which ended in a trip to the hospital,” He explained, a little too calmly in Adam’s opinion, “But I never told them about my death. Only a few people know.” 

“Who else knows?”

“Ronan, Noah, and Blue.”

“Sargent knows?” Ronan asked, clearly distressed that his Gansey had gone telling secrets. 

Adam was filled with anger that Blue, the girl he brought into the group, had found out before him. He tried to push it down, tried to calm down. Anger was irrational, illogical, unneeded. He didn’t want to throw a temper tantrum about his ex.

“When did you tell her?” Adam asked, simply because he needed to know.

“When we found Noah’s body.”

Adam turned away from them. Noah was standing next to him, two fingers against the smudgy spot on his cheek. 

“I’m sorry about what happened, Noah,” Adam said, “And Gansey, I’m sorry you had to go through that. It must’ve been terrible.” 

“It’s okay,” Gansey began, “Listen, Adam, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“This kinda thing doesn’t come up into conversation often, Gansey,” Adam said, turning back to Gansey and Ronan. Adam checked his watch. “Listen, can one of you bring me home?”

He didn’t have to tell them a reason, for they all knew too well what damage Robert Parrish could do if Adam didn’t meet his expectations.

“Come on Parrish,” Ronan said, ripping his keys out of his pocket, “Let’s go.”

“Let me know how you’re doing Gansey. Bye Noah,” Adam said, following Ronan out of the door. 

Ronan climbed into the drivers side of his BMW and Adam sat in the passenger's seat. 

While Adam was dating Blue, things between him and Ronan had been tense. Ronan was always angry at him and Adam was angry back. Now Adam hoped that things would get back to normal. 

“Gansey... I’m surprised,” Ronan said, pressing his foot on the gas as they left Main Street. 

“Me too,” Adam said, dragging his hands through his hair, “I’m worried that he’ll do something worse.”

“Don’t say that, Parrish.”

They were both terrified of the unspeakable; of the fabled Richard Campbell Gansey III dying, of Gansey dying before their quest was completed, of Gansey giving up. 

“I can’t imagine going through something as painful as death by asphyxiation,” Adam mumbled. It was a bad way to make conversation. 

“I can,” Ronan said, voice sharp. And then Adam Parrish was once again home, faced with a far worse reality than fairy tales and welsh mythology.


End file.
